Soul Searching
by Aislin1
Summary: After Willow tries to end the world, she sets off to do a little soul searching, and meets up with a newly souled Spike
1. Taking Off

Title: Soul Searching

Author: Aislin

Season: Takes place after "Grave"

Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike.  There may also be some W/S shippage, I'll just have to wait and see how the story plays out

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored.  They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them.  Please don't sue me, I have no money.

Feedback:  I would love that, thank you.  This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do.  No major flammage, please.  I don't know that I could handle it.

Rating:  I'm gonna call it R cuz it deals with some heavy issues and there will be some adult situations.

Authors Note:  Wow, there's a lotta stuff up there, huh?  Well, this is my first Buffy fic, as I said.  Please tell me what you think of it!  If I get enough reviews, I'll post more!  Anyway, go reads the story now, and tell me what ya think!

            Willow felt broken.  The last week had lasted for an eternity.  But, when she looked back, she wondered how it could really have been a full week since she had tried to end the world.

            The day it happened, Tuesday, she had spent in Xander's arms until dusk when she began to shiver and they decided to go home.  She had spent the night at his place, not really in the mood to face Buffy.  The two of them had found some Indian soap operas on, but hadn't really paid much attention.  Xander had made a crack about tea that Willow didn't really hear and she had fallen asleep on his couch, curled up into a ball with her head on his chest.  Xander's arm had still been around her when she woke up the next morning.

            They had eaten breakfast and headed over to Buffy's house, Willow gripping Xander's hand the same way she had done on the first day of school every year.  Every year until junior year anyway.  By then she had known that there were a lot scarier things out there than school.  Or maybe she had just realized that the first day of school was always relatively good compared to the rest of the year.

            Xander had rung the doorbell and Willow had let go of his hand.  When Buffy opened the door, a few seconds later, she had coldly invited them in.  Giles and Anya were already on the couch.  Willow sank into a chair and Xander had remained standing.  Then the lectures had started.  Everyone began attacking Willow, well it seemed that way.  Actually, Buffy was the only one talking.  Maybe that was the problem.  Willow's "friends" weren't defending her.  They were just sitting there, letting Buffy yell at her.

            Dawn was staring Willow down in a look frighteningly reminiscent of Buffy when Faith had joined the mayor.  Giles looked at her like a stern father might.  He was obviously mad, but he still loved her.  Well, if he still loved her then why was he not defending her to Buffy?  Because Buffy was his favorite, that's why.  Anya was quite obviously pissed at her.  And then there was Xander.  All the support of the previous day and that morning had left.  He was looking at her with eyes that plainly said that, while he still loved her, she _had_ tried to destroy the world.

            Willow sat mute.  Her eyes rested on her hands as Buffy's lecture went in one ear and out the other.  When Buffy's voice stopped, Willow stood and left.  The next few days remained the same.  No one would look at Willow.  Buffy lectured her every time she saw her.  Finally Willow had had enough.

            She didn't just take off, not the way Buffy had.  No, Willow couldn't do that.  She said good-bye to each of her friends.  She made sure that they all knew her pager number, in case they needed to talk to her for whatever reason.  Then, she had packed everything she might need and got on a bus.

            So, that was how Willow got where she was now.  She sighed and let her head fall against the window.  None of her friends knew where she was going.  She didn't really even know where she was going.  She figured she'd wander around until she felt better.  She might return to Sunnydale, she might not.  It would just depend on how she felt.

            Willow sighed.  She didn't want to think about that right now.  She turned her thoughts to the spell book in her bag.  It was the same one she had started studying from, all those years ago.  She would never be able to live without magic, she knew that now.  It was too much a part of her.  So, she decided she would start over.  Master the simple spells.  Maybe she'd remain in control this time.  No, she corrected herself; she would remain in control this time.  Buffy didn't think she could do it.  Xander probably didn't believe in her anymore.  Tara would believe in her.  Tara would support her.  Tara would always love her.

            Willow shook herself.  Tara was dead.  She'd have to get used to that.  There was nothing that would change it.  She tried to concentrate on something else, but it was no use.  Her thoughts always lead back to her so-called friends and her lost love.

            Maybe sleep would clear her head, Willow thought.  She felt her eyes slip closed and enjoyed a dreamless sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Willow stood in the rain as the bus pulled away from the stop.  She clenched her suitcase in one hand and had a knapsack on.  Most of her belongings were still in Sunnydale.  She wanted a fresh start, with as few reminders as possible of her life as a Scooby.

            The air was warm and sticky.  The humidity would make her hair frizz, if it wasn't drenched.  Maybe she would grow her hair long again.  She could pull it back a lot easier and maybe try a few new hairstyles.

            The redhead began walking down the street of, what was this town called again?  She looked at the stub of her bus ticket.  West Oaken.  Whatever.  She was in Connecticut, three thousand miles from Sunnydale and her old life.  Three thousand miles from any reminder of Tara, Xander, Buffy, Dawn, or the rest of them.  Three thousand miles from any sort of demon or beast.

            Well, first things first.  Willow found a discarded newspaper dated June 1.  She thought it was the second or third of June, so that should be recent enough.  First, Willow had to find a place to crash and a job to pay for it.  She had a couple thousand dollars with her.  She hadn't enrolled for the next year of college and had kept the money her parents had given her for the tuition.  They sent the money every year, not even knowing where Willow was living or what she was majoring in.  Willow didn't care though, she had gotten over the lack of love from them years ago.

            Willow saw a few apartments in her price range and decided it was still early enough to check out one or two.  She also noticed some jobs that looked promising.


	2. A New Life

Title: Soul Searching

Author: Aislin

Season: Takes place after "Grave"

Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike.  There may also be some W/S shippage, I'll just have to wait and see how the story plays out

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored.  They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them.  Please don't sue me, I have no money.

Feedback:  I would love that, thank you.  This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do.  No major flammage, please.  I don't know that I could handle it.

Rating:  I'm gonna call it R cuz it deals with some heavy issues and there will be some adult situations.

Authors Note:  Okay, chapter number two!  I would just like to thank the lovely, lovely people who reviewed chapter one.  I love you!  I just watched the season premiere of Buffy, ooh, it's gonna be a good season, I can tell.  Well, I hope it is anyway.  So, my soulled Spike isn't gonna be much like the one in the show cuz it won't be very much fun if he's insane, ya know?  Not to mention that the story wouldn't work.  I don't really know what's going to happen yet, my stories have this tendency to take on a life of their own and if I try to make something happen that doesn't fit, the story gets ruined.  I should also tell you that I see Willow as more bi-sexual than gay.  She's had one boyfriend and one girlfriend, that makes it even.  So, I think that's all I really have to say about this chapter.  Go read chapter two now!

            Willow had found the perfect job.  Well, it seemed perfect anyway.  It was only her first day, so she couldn't be sure, but she had to look on the plus side.  She had a job, and it was at a cute little, out of the way, bookstore.  At least, the front part of the shop held books.  The back was a magic shop, with any of the ingredients for spells Willow could ever want.  Not to mention they were half off with her employee discount.

            The front of the shop was well lit from floor to ceiling windows and warm because of the southern exposure those windows provided.  Large dumpy chairs in all colors gave the place a comfortable atmosphere.  Clients often came in and curled up in one of those huge chairs with a book, sipping a drink.  (The shop sold a wide variety of strictly non-alcoholic beverages.  Everything from ice-cold lemonade or soda to steaming-hot chocolate and tea.)

            The back of the store was just as well lit, though this time from an assortment of candles and lamps as most of the natural sunlight was blocked by the many bookcases.  There was a huge fireplace in the back that made Willow yearn for colder weather so she could sit by the crackling and popping of a nice warm fire.  She hadn't ever been able to sit in front of a nice warm fire back in California; the weather had never been cold enough.

            Willow shook herself out of her memories before they could land on anything specific.  She looked up as the door opened and a man came in with his daughter.  The girl didn't look like she could be more than four or five years old.  Willow wondered how old the father was before mentally slapping herself.  She wouldn't let herself be attracted to this man.  She loved Tara.  But maybe she and the man could be friends.  It would be nice to have a friend.

            "Hi, my name's Willow.  How can I help you?" she asked, approaching the twosome.

            The little girl looked up at her, blonde pigtails bobbing.  "My name's Sophie.  You're new, aren't you?"

            "Yeah.  This is my first day here."  Willow bent down so that was on the same level as Sophie.  "Do you come here often?"

            "Uh-huh."  The child nodded, sending the pigtails bouncing again.  "Daddy comes to get supplies for his spells and sometimes I get a book or something."  Sophie's bright blue eyes sparkled with her smile.

            Willow looked up at the father.  "You practice?  Oh, of course you do.  I mean, why else would you be here?  Can I help you find anything?" Willow babbled.

            "I'm Greg," the man extended his hand to Willow.  "I was actually wondering whether the sandalwood oil is in.  Beth said that it should be in either today or tomorrow."

            "Um, let me go check real quick."  Willow walked quickly to the back where her boss was stocking various animal parts.  "Beth?"  The woman raised her head, rewarding Willow with a bank expression.  "Do we have sandalwood oil?"  Beth jerked her head to the shelf just behind her.  Willow smiled her gratitude and quickly scanned the labels before grabbing a small vial.

            "Here you go sir.  Can I help you find anything else?"  Greg glanced down at his daughter with a knowing smile.  Sophie smiled at him before looking back at Willow.

            "Do you have any books with dragons?" she asked.

            "Well, why don't we go look?" Willow extended her hand to the small girl and led her to the children's books.  After looking through a handful, Sophie chose one with especially detailed pictures and told her father that she was ready.

            Willow took the vial of oil and the big picture book over to the cash register and stared to ring them up.  Suddenly, the cash register began beeping, loudly and incessantly.  She threw her hands up and squeaked, her brain frantically searching for the solution.  It took only a second and she quickly pushed the 'cancel' button.  The beeping stopped and Willow smiled sheepishly.  "Let's try that again, shall we?"

            Once Willow had successfully rung up Greg and he had left the store, Beth appeared beside her.

            "Hi.  Sorry about that.  I'm still sorta getting used to the cash register.  I mean, I've never worked one before.  My friend-" Willow stopped short.  She couldn't bear to think about Anya.

            Beth smiled gently at her.  "Don't worry.  You're doing fine.  It's your first day, everyone has a rough time their first day.  It will get easier, I promise.  Especially once you start to get to know some of the regulars."  Beth gave Willow a reassuring pat on the shoulder and started walking away.  "He's twenty-two.  And he's single.  He got her pregnant the summer after they graduated high school, but she died during child birth," she called over her shoulder.

            "Who?" Willow asked, pretending to be bewildered, but she couldn't help being the slightest bit intrigued.

            "I don't know.  He's never told me her name.  But, I think he's ready to start dating again," Beth spun on her heel to look at Willow.  Her hair was just beginning to gray, the only indication of her age.  She had a friendly face, and was full of life.  Willow stood a full head taller than the woman and was a good deal thinner, but Beth was much more energetic than Willow.  "Greg seemed pretty interested and Sophie definitely likes you.  I could ask…" Beth trailed off, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

            "What?  Oh no.  Oh, Goddess no.  I just, I mean.  Well, I was," Willow couldn't continue.

            "Bad breakup?" Beth asked, sympathetically.

            "Its, well, T-Ta.  She died."  Willow began furiously scrubbing the counter with a handy rag.  The 'died' had come out as more of a gasp than an actual word.  She wasn't entirely sure that the woman had heard it.  Staring at her hand wiping the counter, Willow fought to keep a lid on her emotions.  She had always been so good at it; it had been part of her training as a witch.  But, ever since, well, it was much harder now.

            "I'm sorry.  If you need someone to listen, I'm here." Beth said.  She gave Willow a warm pat on the shoulder and went to the back to continue stocking shelves.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            "I can't just sit here and not do anything, Giles.  I should try to help her or find her.  I mean she's my best friend and she left because of me."

            "There's nothing you can do for her right now.  None of us know what she is going through.  And, believe me Buffy, she would have left regardless."

            "Still, can't we try to find her?  She left her pager number.  I could call her…"

            "What would you say Buffy?  She said that the pager is for emergencies.  You don't want to betray that trust.  She will be found when she wants to be found." Giles comforted his slayer.

            "That sounds familiar.  Didn't you say that when Buffy left?" Xander asked.  He had been sitting silently in a chair, blaming himself for not giving his life-long friend more support.

            "Yes, and I was right, wasn't I?  Buffy returned when she was ready.  She needed to get away from everything for a while.  Convince herself that she could still live, even support herself.  Willow is going through the same thing right now.  She will return soon, probably in a few months time."

            The three sat in silence for a long time.  Since the beginning, it had been Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander.  Other people had come and gone.  Angel, Riley, Oz, Tara, Cordelia, Anya, Mrs. Calendar, Ophelia.  But in the end, they had always known that the four of them would be together.  They were there for the beginning and they would be there for the end.  After leaving twice only to return, Giles had realized that he could never really leave Sunnydale.  Buffy had left and returned.  Xander had left for a summer.  It was Willow's turn now.  She would be back in a few months time, he was sure.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Willow lay on her belly on her bed.  Her room was modest, to be kind.  But, she was working on decorating it to her liking.  And, on the bright side, she had found a decent apartment.  It had a bedroom with a bed, an alarm clock, and a dresser.  There was a kitchen with a mini fridge, a small table with two chairs, and enough cabinets for her dishes and food.  The last room was a bathroom with a shower, but no bathtub.  Willow missed her bubble baths; they had helped her unwind so many times.  But, she could live without them.

            In front of her face, a pencil slowly rose.  Willow smiled; she could control her emotions when she concentrated.  She had learned before, she would just teach herself to do it all over again.  Slowly Willow made the pencil rotate.  She remembered the first time she had tied this spell.  She grinned and muttered "Buff Buff" under her breath.  Immediately the pencil flew up and lodged itself in the ceiling.

            Willow collapsed, burying her face in her blanket.  This was going to be much harder than she thought.  Willow rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling where six pencils were sticking.  Another two were in the wall be the door.  Willow sighed.  She couldn't get discouraged.  That wouldn't help her magic at all.

            Standing on her bed, Willow pulled the pencils out of the ceiling.  She had to jump a little bit to reach them, but she got them all out.  She threw the pencils on the table by her bed that also held her alarm clock and a lamp.  She had had enough magic for today, her head hurt.  Besides, she had to be at work in a little bit.

            Willow ran a comb through her hair and headed out the door, passing the two pencils that still stuck in the wall.  She checked that the door was locked, descended three flights of stairs to the ground floor and was on the street.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Willow had grown to love her job.  She loved Beth, she loved the customers, and she could finally work the cash register without it going ballistic on her.  She had only been working there a week, but Willow felt completely at home.  Well, maybe not completely, but she felt comfortable.

            The door opened and Willow looked up from where she had been reorganizing books.  She gasped and dropped a particularly large volume right on her foot without noticing the pain.  What were the odds?

A/N:  Ooh, cliffhanger.  But, I'll bet you all actually know what's coming anyway.  So, what do you think of this chapter?  Please review and tell me!  Oh, and I included the little blurb about Buffy and them because I do love Buffy and I sorta wanted to redeem her, or begin to redeem her.  I might keep you updated on Sunnydale, I might not.  Tell me what you want and I'll try to fit it into my story.  So, go review now!  And, thanks to the lovely people who reviewed chapter one!


	3. What are YOU doing here?

Title: Soul Searching

Author: Aislin

Season: Takes place after "Grave"

Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike.  There may also be some W/S shippage, I'll just have to wait and see how the story plays out

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored.  They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them.  Please don't sue me, I have no money.

Feedback:  I would love that, thank you.  This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do.  No major flammage, please.  I don't know that I could handle it.

Rating:  I'm gonna call it R cuz it deals with some heavy issues and there will be some adult situations.

Authors Note: Yay, Spike's in this chapter.  I know you all want to see what happens with Willow and Spike, so I won't bore you with an insanely long author's note.  Just go read this chapter!

            Spike couldn't believe his eyes.  That girl.  It couldn't be.  She looked exactly like…

            "Spike?"  Oh bugger.  It was Red, er Willow.  Her name was Willow.  Oh God.  Spike pressed his hands to his temples and squeezed his eyes shut, failing miserably at his attempt to block the images out.  Images of everything he had done to Willow.  Bloody hell, he had hurt her so much.  Kidnapped her, forced her to do that spell, then forgot about her.  How had she gotten out of the factory anyway?  He had tried to bite her, numerous times.  God, he had hurt her so damn much!

            "Well, you can just tell them that I'm not coming back!" Willow had been talking.  What had she said?

            "Um, sorry?" Spike hoped he didn't appear like too much of an idiot.

            "Didn't Buffy and them send you here to drag me back to Sunnydale?"  Spike flinched visibly at Buffy's name and something clicked in Willow's brain.  "No, they didn't.  Spike, you don't know, do you?  Oh you weren't even there.  Spike, where were you?"

            "Willow?  I, uh, I have to go."  Spike turned and started to leave but Willow caught his arm.  Surprise more than her strength made him stop and turn back to face her.

            "Listen, Spike.  I get off in half an hour.  Would you wait for me at least?  It's sorta nice to see a familiar face."  One that's not judging me, Willow thought.  Spike paused but nodded agreement.

            He walked over and sat in one of the chairs that was more out of the way than most.  He tried to shut up the voice in his head.  The voice that was telling him to leave.  He should leave before he hurt the girl anymore.  Why couldn't he move?  Why couldn't he just stand up and walk out that door?  Why was he still sitting here, waiting for her to get off?  Why was Willow working here?  That was it, that's why he wasn't leaving.  He was too curious.  Damn his curiosity.  Why did he even care?  Why did he have to keep asking why?  That's what got him here.  Why doesn't she love me?  Why can't I make her love me?  His stupid curiosity.  It got him into so many jams.  Now it was going to get him into another one.  He wanted to just get up and leave.  But, he wanted to stay so much more.  Something in her eyes, or rather the lack of something.  Willow wasn't judging him.  She never really had, he realized.  He had hurt her so much and she had never treated him like crap.  So, Spike resigned himself to sitting in the chair and waiting for her shift to end.

            Willow kept glancing across the room.  She was still getting over the shock of Spike sitting there.  She wondered why he had shown up.  He had flinched when she had mentioned the slayer that last time, and she was pretty sure he hadn't heard a word she said before that.  So, the gang probably didn't send him to find her.  Well, what was he doing here in Connecticut?  It had to be more than coincidence.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            "Bye Beth!  I'll see you tomorrow!"  Willow grabbed her keys and coat from her hook in the back room and went back to the front.  She was worried that if she left Spike for too long he might just up and leave.  But, he was still sitting there, waiting for her.  It didn't look like he had moved at all since he had sat down in that chair.

            "Spike?  You ready?"  Willow looked questioningly at the vampire.  Had he ever sat so still?  He looked up at her.  She tried to meet his eyes, but he was careful to look at her forehead or chin.  At least he was keeping his eyes on her face.

            "Yeah, sure.  Where are we going?"

            "Well, there's this nice little out-of-the-way coffee shop a few streets over.  They have cookies and brownies and stuff like that too.  We could go there."

            "This whole town is out-of-the-way, isn't it?"  Spike stood up.  Willow assumed this meant that he was complying with her decision.  She started walking, slowly, making sure he was going to follow her.  He fell in step beside her and they left the bookstore.

            "That's part of its appeal."  Willow responded once they were outside.  It was hot and muggy, but at least it wasn't raining.

            "What?"  Spike gave her a look that plainly, but politely, asked what she was talking about.

            "You mentioned that this town is out-of-the-way.  That's pretty much the reason I came here.  What are you doing here?"  Willow prayed that that didn't sound too rude.  Spike didn't seem to notice though.

            "This is where the bus stopped.  I mean, I got on the bus and I had enough money to get here.  After the airplane, that is.  I'm broke now.  Not one bloody cent.  I didn't expect to find anyone I know here."  Willow couldn't tell whether he was glad or disappointed that he had run into her.  She couldn't think of a response beyond 'oh', so she stayed silent until they had arrived at "The Beanium".

            Spike groaned at the name of the coffee shop.  How lame could you get?  But, he followed Willow inside.  He didn't have anything better to do.  Maybe he could make amends with her.  Maybe that would make the goddamned voice shut up for a second!  He didn't remember his conscience being this annoying.

            They sat at a small table in a corner.  The corner farthest from both the door and the counter to be exact.  Willow had a double mocha latte, Spike a triple espresso.  One sip later, the triple espresso was empty, and Spike started fiddling with the cup.  He kept his eyes on it, scared to make eye-contact with the witch.  Ex-witch.  She quit, remember?  But, he felt so much power coming off of her.  He wondered if she was aware of the tremendous amount of power emanating from her.  If that much was coming off, how much did she have locked inside?  He remembered her being powerful, but never this powerful.

            "Where were you?" Willow broke the silence.

            "When?" Spike asked back.

            "A couple weeks ago.  You missed the big battle this year."

            "I assume another apocalypse was averted?" Spike already knew the answer though.  There was an apocalypse every year, two or three, actually.  And, here he was.  Still alive, if you could call it that.

            "Yeah.  Where were you?"  Willow repeated her earlier question.

            "Africa."  The answer was so short, Willow almost missed it.

            "What were you doing in Africa?"  Willow was getting tired of looking at the top of Spike's head.  She wanted him to look in her eyes, or at her face at least.  Then she could at least see his eyes.  They were so much more emotional now, so much more…tormented.

            "There was this demon fellow.  Pretty big power.  He gave me what I wanted."

            "You got your chip out?" Willow asked, suddenly afraid.  Why was she afraid?  She didn't deserve to live.  It didn't matter if Spike killed her.  But, inexplicably, she had a desire to live.

            "That's what I thought was gonna happen.  I thought I go to this guy and pass the test and he takes the chip out.  Ya gotta be specific, though.  I thought I was, but he read me deeper to find out what I really wanted."

            "What do you mean?" Willow was confused.

            "Angel's not the only poof anymore.  I got me a nice soul now.  Inner turmoil aplenty.  Now I know why Angel became the poof he is.  A hundred years and I'm likely to be just like that."

            "Oh."  Willow took a sip of her mocha.  "If you need to talk or…anything."  Great Willow.  Offer the vampire, the enemy, an ear to listen to him and a shoulder to cry on.  Compassion was nothing but trouble, it was probably going to get her killed one of these days.

            "Not really.  I mean, thank you and all.  But, I don't know if you could handle it.  I killed so many…"  Spike trailed off.  He didn't want to bring Willow to the land of torment with him.

            Willow snorted, involuntarily.  Spike looked up, but couldn't read her face.  "I have a small idea of what that feels like, Spike."

            "How can you?  You've never killed a single-"

            "Two.  I've killed two people."

            "Still, that just doesn't compare.  I killed every night for the past hundred years.  That's more than 300,000 people."

            "And not near s many as six billion.  Spike, remember that apocalypse I mentioned?"

            "Yeah.  Warren and his dweebs tried to pull something big off, then?"

            "Not Warren.  I killed Warren.  Spike, I was going to destroy the world." Willow's voice was filled with anguish.  She expected the fear to enter his eyes, just like it had her 'friends' back in Sunnydale.  She expected him to make some pathetic excuse and leave and never come back.

            "Oh." And he made eye-contact – briefly - when he said it.

            "What?  No, Evil Willow?  No getting scared?  Just oh?  Am I still that damn predictable!"

            "No, it's just, I knew there had to be a reason.  There isn't much that will actually make a person leave friends like the one's you got.  Now I know why you're three thousand miles from home."

            "And, I still don't know why you're here."

            "I'll tell you.  When it's time.  I'm not ready now.  Neither are you.  But, I'll stick around.  You've always been good to me.  Mostly you've been scared of me.  But you never hated me like Xander or patronized me like the Watcher or beat me up like-"  Spike swallowed, leaving his thought unfinished.  Willow finished it for him without thinking.

            "Like Buffy."  Spike flinched and stood to leave.

            "Where are you going?" Willow asked.

            "I'll be around.  I won't leave or nothing.  I don't really have anywhere else to go.  I know where you work though.  I'll come by next time I want to talk."

            "What if I want to talk?" Willow asked.  She was scared he was going to leave and she didn't know why.

            "Don't worry, luv.  I won't be away long."  Spike walked out the door and disappeared into the fog that had shown up while they were talking.

            It doesn't have the same effect without his duster.  Where is his duster?  Why do I care?  Willow gulped the last sip of her mocha and headed home.

A/N:  So, go review now!  Oh and any questions, I'll try to address them in a future chapter.  Anything you want in the story, tell me and I'll try to put it in somehow.


	4. The First Date

Title: Soul Searching

Author: Aislin

Season: Takes place after "Grave"

Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike.  Some flashes to Sunnydale and the people there.  There's probably gonna be some W/S shippage later on

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored.  They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them.  Please don't sue me, I have no money.

Feedback:  I would love that, thank you.  This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do.  No major flammage, please.  I don't know that I could handle it.

Rating:  I'm gonna call it R cuz it deals with some heavy issues and there will be some adult situations.

Authors Note:  I don't really have much to say about this chapter.  Just read it and please review!  Reviews make me happy!

            Willow heard the door open and looked up.  Peering through the shelves of magick supplies and books, she was able to make out Sophie's energetically bobbing pigtails.  The red head stood and moved to the front of the store.

            "Hi, how are you two doing today?" she asked with a bright, if slightly phony smile.  She couldn't help the phony cheerfulness, ever since Tara…  But, Willow hoped Greg wouldn't notice that her delight was anything less than genuine.  She was happy to see him.

            "I'm doing good.  What about you?" Greg asked, shooting her a grin.

            "I'm fine.  Can I help you find anything?"

            "Has anyone ever told you that you're a rotten liar?"

            Willow rolled her eyes.  "Okay, I'm not fine.  But, it's sorta my job to be cheery.  Now, can I help you find anything?  We got some little stuffed animals in today, Sophie.  Would you like to see them?"  Willow forced the attention away from her mood.

            "What kinds of animals?" the preschooler asked.

            "Oh, you know, the usual.  Some teddy bears, stuffed dogs.  A couple of dragons and unicorns."  Sophie's face lit up and she grabbed Willow's outstretched hand and followed to a small display of stuffed animals in the kiddie book section.

            A few minutes later, Willow was ringing up various colored candles for Greg while Sophie clutched a green and purple sparkly dragon.  Greg waited until he was sure that Sophie's new toy had the girl's undivided attention before speaking.

            "What's on your mind, Willow?" he asked.

            "It's a pretty long story."

            "Well, we could go out for dinner sometime, if you want to.  You could tell me all about it, or not tell me.  Whatever you want.  But we could talk, get to know each other better." Greg tried to search Willow's eyes, but she kept them downcast, putting his purchase into a plastic bag.

            "I don't really know.  I mean, I don't think I'm ready."

            "Hey, no pressure.  Just friends getting to know one another."  Greg hid his disappointment with a smile intended to get her to agree.

            "I'll think about it." Willow said, reluctantly, handing him the bag.

            "She gets off at six tonight.  Be here at six thirty.  I'll watch Sophie if you can't get a sitter."

            "Than you, Beth.  I'll see you tonight, then." Greg took the bag from her, letting his fingers brush the back of her hand ever so slightly.  After the door closed behind him, Willow turned on Beth.

            "What did you do that for?"

            "You need to meet some more people."

            "I am meeting people.  I've met lots of people since I started working here."

            "You need a friend.  A friend your own age."  Beth elaborated off Willow's look.

            "But, I'm not ready for this." Willow protested.  She didn't think she'd ever be ready for this.

            "Willow.  He knows what it's like to lose a loved one.  He can help.  You need to talk to someone."

            "I have someone to talk to." Willow's mind drifted to Spike, who she hadn't seen in three days.  But, he said he would come back.  Beth, however, didn't hear.  She was already gone, leaving Willow alone with her thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            "Why are you so down?" Greg asked again.  They were at a semi-casual restaurant.

            "I'm not really ready to talk about it." Willow avoided his eyes.  She really didn't want to be here.  She had seen Spike in the bushes as her and Greg were leaving.  She was sure he had followed them to the restaurant and right now she wanted nothing more than to go find him so she could talk to someone.  Someone she wouldn't have to explain her entire life story to.

            "It helps to talk.  Trust me Willow.  After Tara died-"

            "What did you say?"

            "I said after Taryn died, I didn't want to talk to anyone either.  She was Sophie's mother.  But, when I finally did start talking, it got so much easier to bear." 

            "I thought you said Tara." Willow stared off into space.

            "Who's Tara?" Greg asked.

            "She is, was.  Tara was mine.  She was mine and I was hers.  But Osiris said he couldn't bring her back.  He said there was no way."  Willow's voice was distant.  Greg listened intently.  He had made a breakthrough; he had gotten the girl to talk.  Now he could help her heal, oh my, she was beautiful.

            Willow continued talking, looking directly into his eyes.  And Spike, with his sensitive vampire hearing caught every word, as well as the things she said with her eyes not her voice.

            "Osiris?"

            "Osiris helped me bring Buffy back.  Buffy didn't die a natural death, so Osiris could bring her back.  But, Tara.  Osiris said Tara died a natural death."

            "How did Tara die?" Greg asked, wishing Willow would look into his eyes and not past his head.  But, at least she was talking to him.

            "He, he.  Oh, the little bastard!  He didn't mean to, I know that now.  But, there was a gun.  Oh dear Goddess, Greg."  Willow snapped back and looked in his eyes now.

            "Willow.  How did Tara die?" Greg asked.  Willow suddenly realized that she had been talking to Greg, not Spike.  She knew Spike had heard the entire thing, but Greg knew too?  Oh no, this was not good.

            Willow put her face in her hands and started shaking, trying desperately to hold in the tears.  She didn't mind Spike knowing.  Spike would understand how it all fit together.  Greg would never understand the entire story.  It was too late, though.  Willow knew better than to try to erase his memory.  Once a spell fails twice, both times resulting in the person you love getting angry, she knew better than to try it again.  She decided to finish the story, as much as Greg really needed to hear anyway.  "He shot her."  Willow kept her face in her hands.  She knew her voice sounded distant.  "He didn't mean to kill her.  But, she died anyway."

            "I thought you said she died a natural death?  Or, Osiris said she died a natural death?  Getting shot isn't natural."

            "He said natural meaning human causes.  A human killed her using earthly means.  Oh, Goddess, I'm so sorry Greg.  I have to go.  I'll see you sometime."

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Spike watched as Willow left the restaurant alone.  Good, alone was good.  She wasn't with that man.  Why did Spike care whether she was with him or not?  He couldn't have her all to himself.  But, he so wanted her all to himself.  That wasn't right though.  That was selfish and bad.  She was allowed to have other friends, she needed other friends.  She needed to socialize with people, humans.  Good people.  He was bad.  He didn't deserve friends like her.  Why was she heading towards him?

            "Spike?" Now Willow let the tears flow freely.  They coursed down her cheeks as she stood staring into his eyes.

            "Come here, pet."  Spike folded the girl into a hug and let her cry.  If this is what she needed he would give it to her.  He would give her anything she needed, maybe the pain would lessen.  Maybe he could redeem himself, like Angel.

            Spike pulled Willow gently into the shadows when Greg exited the restaurant.  She didn't need him to see her like this.  Spike didn't want Greg knowing he was there.  

            Willow barely noticed.  She couldn't stop the tears flowing.  Spike's shirt was soaking.  Her face was probably a mess.  All the mascara and eye shadow Beth had applied was surely dyeing her cheeks different colors.  Still the tears wouldn't stop.  Willow felt that they would never stop, it was the very reason she hadn't cried these tears.  She had mourned for herself, her friends.  She had mourned what she had done and what she had felt.  She had even mourned Warren.  But she had refused to let one single tear fall for Tara.  Now they flowed and she was sure that she would cry until the end of time.  She would stand here, in Spike's arms, until the end of time.

            Wait.  Spike's arms?  Willow pulled away.  At least, she tried to pull away, but Spike's arms tightened when she moved.  They held her tightly, wrapping around her waist.  It felt like those arms could protect her from anything.  No, not anything…

            Spike began rubbing the redhead's back as she gasped and a fresh wave of sobs came.  "Shh," he murmured, "let it out.  Just let it all out.  It's okay.  It'll all be okay."

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Willow awakened and immediately panicked.  Where was she?  What was this place?  It was so dark.  She sat up and took in her surroundings.  She was sitting on a bed.  There was a mini fridge at one end of the room.  A door and a table with a small television were along the wall adjacent to the one the bed was against.  The television was turned on, but the sound was so soft Willow couldn't hear it unless she strained.  Sitting in a chair, eyes glued to the TV, was Spike.

            Spike? "Spike?" Willow's voice was small.  Her eyes hurt and she was sure they were all red and puffy.

            "Hey.  You're awake."

            "Where am I?" was Willow's next question.

            "My place.  I don't know where you live.  You were a little, um.  I don't think you could have told me, even if I had asked." Spike slowed down, mentally reprimanding himself.  He should have asked.  He should have at least tried.

            "Oh, cool."  Willow checked her watch.  Spike couldn't believe it, she wasn't mad.  A little indifferent, maybe, but she wasn't mad.  "Ooh, I should go.  I have to work today and I need to shower first.  I should probably do something about the puffiness, too."  Willow rubbed her eyes lightly and sat up.

            She was still dressed, so her clothes were rumpled.  She had to admit though, as uncomfortable as sleeping fully clothed was, it was a lot less disturbing than waking up naked in Spike's bed.  She slipped on her shoes, gave Spike a grateful squeeze on the shoulder and went off to her apartment.

            Spike felt the imprint of her hand long after Willow had left.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Buffy entered her home, intent on taking a shower.  She hated the slimey demons.  At least vampire ash came out of clothes easily.  Slime tended to be permanent.  And she was wearing a new shirt!

            Dropping her clothes on the bathroom floor and turning on the hot water, Buffy let her thoughts drift.  They demon had taken forever to find, at least twice as long as normal.  And it had been really hard to kill.  Sure, Xander had helped fight it.  But he simply didn't have the strength, speed, or skills and got in the way more than he actually helped.  And Giles was almost useless with the computer.  It had taken him two days to even find a reference to the demon in his thick books.  Willow would have been able to get all the information within a couple of hours.

            Buffy groaned at the thought of her best friend.  What she wouldn't give to have her back.  More than once she had considered paging her.  Or e-mailing her.  But she knew she would have flipped if anyone had contacted her in LA after she had killed Angel.  But, if Willow wasn't back by the time school started again, Buffy would start looking for her.

            It also bugged her that Spike wasn't around.  True he was annoying.  And he tried to rape her.  Tried, not succeeded.  She hadn't seen him after that.  The truth was, Spike was a much better fighter than Xander could ever be.  She missed having an ally who was her equal.

            Buffy sighed and turned off the water.  Willow would come back.  Spike might not ever.  She was deeply disturbed by the thought that she even cared.

A/N: So, tell me what you think!  I promise to try to be nicer to Greg in future chapters!  Unless, of course, everyone hates him.  But, I like him.  So I promise that Willow won't ever walk out on him again.


	5. The Morning After

Title: Soul Searching

Author: Aislin

Season: Takes place after "Grave"

Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike.  There may also be some W/S shippage, I'll just have to wait and see how the story plays out

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored.  They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them.  Please don't sue me, I have no money.

Feedback:  I would love that, thank you.  This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do.  No major flammage, please.  I don't know that I could handle it.

Rating:  I'm gonna call it R cuz it deals with some heavy issues and there will be some adult situations.

Authors Note: Ugh, Sorry it took so freaking long for me to get this chapter up.  School and homework and stuff kinda took off on me.  But, on the plus side, I finally know how this story is going to end, so it won't be too much longer.  Next chapter, maybe.  In the meantime, read this chapter!

Story Note:  Spike is a vampire and can only wander around after sunset.  The store where Willow works stays open into the evening.  Spike only drops by after the sun has already gone down.  Sorry, I don't really put the time of day in my stories too much.  But, in case anyone was wondering, Spike is never out during the day in my story.

            Willow's feet pounded the sidewalk.  All she could think was that she had to get away, far away, from Spike.  She had spent the night at Spike's place, in Spike's bed!  At least she had woken up fully clothed.  But now she needed to get home, and home was on the other side of town.  At least this was a small town.

            She checked behind her, yet again, to make sure Spike wasn't following her home.  She had already checked three times.  This time she looked into the sun and couldn't see behind her.  The sun! Spike couldn't be following her.  Good, she still didn't want him to know where she lived.

            She felt so guilty about spending the night at his house.  Wait a second, guilty?  What was there for her to feel guilty about?  They hadn't done anything; at least it hadn't looked like they had done anything.  She searched her mind trying to remember exactly what had happened the night before.  She remembered crying, there were lots of tears.  She had cried until she had fallen asleep exhausted.  And she had been in Spike's arms while the tears flowed.  She had run to him, not knowing what to do.  How had she known where to find him?  Oh that's right, he had been outside the restaurant where her and Greg...

            Greg!  Oh dear Goddess, how was she going to explain running out on him?  Why hadn't he come to look for her?  Or had he?  Had Spike taken her somewhere so Greg wouldn't find them and she hadn't noticed because she had been crying so hard?

            Willow ran a hand through her hair in exasperation.  She could see her apartment building in the distance.  Good, she needed a shower and a change of clothes before she went to work.  She was going to be late for work, but she didn't care.  There was too much else going on in her life.  When had everything gotten so complicated?

            Things had been fairly simple back in Sunnydale.  See a demon, research demon, kill demon, party.  Even after Warren had- Things had been simple.  Seek vengeance.  Kill Warren.  Then that powerful magic that Giles had infected her with.  Stop suffering, destroy the world.  But when Xander had shown up.  When she actually had to think about the recent events in her life.  She had run away from the complication and her life had become even more  complicated.  Had this happened to Buffy?  Is that why Buffy had come back?  Willow willed herself to stop thinking about this.  She would shower and go to work.  She would concentrate on work and she would tackle one problem at a time.

            Willow breathed in relief.  Thinking things through logically always made it easier for her to deal.  She could organize her thoughts and only worry about the immediate problems.  She pushed Spike as far into the back of her mind as possible and entered her apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            She had left.  She had just up and left.   Two soaps and a talk show since she had left and he could still feel the imprint of her hand on his shoulder.  He cursed the sun for not allowing him to follow her.  She had been polite enough when she had left, but it had been a somewhat urgent departure.  A morning after departure, where the girl isn't quite sure whether she regrets the night before or not.

            Willow had nothing to regret.  Nothing had happened.  She had slept soundly in Spike's bed with him watching her all night.  But in the morning she had just left.  No one ever walked out on Spike!  Well, plenty of girls had walked out on him, but they had never lived for very long.  And their deaths had been slow and painful.

            That was before Angel left.  Before Drusilla was his and his alone.  It had been a hundred years since a woman had left Spike's bed and not returned.  He was sure Willow would never return to his bed.  He couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her anymore.

            Spike made up his mind to find her that night.  They would go to that coffee shop, the Beanium, and talk.  He would make sure she didn't feel guilty.  She had nothing to feel guilty about.  Spike smacked his head.  Now he was feeling guilty for someone else's guilt.  Why had he ever gotten his soul back?  Oh yeah…

~~~~~~~~~~*

            "Buffy, I realize that this is hard on you.  Do you think it was any less hard on us when you skipped town?"  Xander sat on Buffy's sofa while she paced the room.

            "I just want her back.  I never should have said those things.  I pushed her away Xander, what if she never comes back?"

            "She'll come back.  You came back."  Xander reassured her.

            "Yeah, I went to Hell and then came back.  I don't want her to have to go to Hell."

            "I imagine she's already there." Giles said.

            "She's in Hell?  We need to get her out!" Buffy exclaimed.

            "Not in the literal sense.  Emotionally, she's probably going through hell right now, as you would put it.  I don't think there's anything we can do to help her at the moment.  She just needs time."

            "You're probably right, you always are.  I just want her back.  I hate knowing that she's probably pissed at me."

~~~~~~~~~~*

            "So, how'd the date go last night?"  Beth asked Willow once the store was free of customers.

            "It, uh, well…"  Willow kept her eyes directed to the floor.

            "Isn't he such a great listener?"

            "I told him more than I think I want him to know."  Willow admitted.

            Beth cornered Willow against some shelves near the back of the store.  "What do you mean?"

            "There's just too much to deal with right now and I told him almost everything but now I don't feel comfortable.  I barely know him and he knows so much about my past."

            "Get to know him.  I'm sure he's eager for another date."

            "I walked out on him." Willow said really fast, still looking at the floor.  She tried to push past Beth but the older woman caught her arm and Willow was too drained to put up much of a fight.

            "What?" she looked astonished.

            "I have to get back to work." Willow said.  "Let me get back to work.  You're not paying me so you can hear about my life."

            "You work hard enough.  What happened that made you walk out on Greg?"

            Before Willow could respond, the bell above the door rang, signaling someone's entrance.  "Look, customer.  I have a job to do."  Willow walked around the shelves, saw who had just entered the store and immediately turned and walked to the back of the store.

            Beth smirked slightly and made her way to the front of the store.  "Greg, hi!"  Beth stopped short when she saw the blond man.  "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."  Beth paused to take in the young man in front of her.  He wasn't bad looking: lean but muscular, great ass, high cheekbones, scar on one eyebrow.  If I were thirty years younger, she thought to herself.  "Can I help you?"

            "Yeah, I'm looking for Willow."

            "And who are you?" Beth asked, wanting to protect the girl, even if she had walked out on one of her dearest friends the previous night.

            "The name's Spike."

            "What sort of a name is that?" Beth began to interrogate him.

            Spike smirked, "A nickname."

            "How'd you get it?"

            "I used to kill people with railroad spikes."  Spike said, partly because he saw no reason in lying to this woman and partly because he wanted to see her reaction.

            Beth rolled her eyes.  "Funny.  How do you know Willow?"

            "Oh, we go way back.  I've known her since her junior year of high school."  Spike smiled.

            "How did you meet?" Beth pushed.

            "Bloody hell, woman.  You want my entire life story or something?  You're not gonna get it.  Willow was upset last night, real upset.  I came by to see how she's doing.  Please, tell her I'm here."

            "She knows you're here.  I'm not sure she wants to see you."  Beth began to stand.

            "Please.  I'm begging you.  I need to make sure she's all right."

            "I'm fine Spike."  Willow appeared from behind a bookshelf where she had listened to most of the conversation once her curiosity pulled her out of the back room.  "Please, go away.  I don't want to deal with this right now."

            Spike stood and walked over to Willow.  He placed a hand on her cheek.  "You may not want to, but you have to.  Just like I have to deal with my soul.  If I don't, I'll go insane.  Angel never told you, but he was in a worse state than Dru for the first couple decades after he got his soul back."

            "It only took him a couple of weeks the second time around."  Willow snapped.  She didn't want to admit that Spike was right.  Spike was right?

            "Plus the few hundred years he spent in hell.  Willow, you're the only thing keeping me sane right now.  You're the only thing I can hold onto in this world.  You're the only thing that's real to me anymore.  Without even realizing it, you're helping me so much.  I want to help you, too.  I want to help you anyway I can.  Please, let me help you."

            Willow took a deep breath to try to control the tears that were threatening to spill over.  "Meet me in two hours.  Remember that coffee shop you took me to the first time I saw you?  Meet me there." Spike said before turning and leaving.  Through the din in her head Willow held onto the one thought that she could actually put into words.  That move worked so much better with the duster.

            From behind the counter, Beth stared at the two of them.  Had she just heard that conversation correctly?  No wonder Willow had run out, if she had told Greg half of what Beth had just learned.  None of it made sense, unless…  Beth shook her head.  Vampires didn't exist.  And that one individual she had heard about in the chat room, Angelus?  Bullshit.  Nope, vampires, and especially vampires with souls, were just fairytales made up to entertain the masses.  Still…

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Spike glanced up at the clock.  She was supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago.  What if she stood him up?  No, she was still Willow.  Beneath all the hurt and betrayal, she was still Willow and would never stand anyone up.  Spike settled back in his chair.  She would be there, even if she was a little late.

            Willow stood outside the Beanium.  What was she doing?  She had dallied at the store until Beth had started questioning her about Spike.  Not answering a single question, Willow reminded Beth that she had to meet Spike and was already late.  Then she had taken the longest route she knew of to get to the small coffee shop.  Why was she avoiding Spike?  She had nothing to be guilty about.  Nothing had happened.  With that thought in her mind, Willow entered the Beanium and walked over to the table Spike was sitting at.

            "You made it." Spikee smiled.

            "Of course I did.  What do you want?" Willow asked.

            "I already told you.  I want to help you."

            "There isn't much you can do." Willow said.

            "You'd be surprised how much talking can help sometimes."

            "Fine, what do you want to talk about?" 

            "You, of course."  Spike responded.  "I want to talk about Willow."

            "Are you a psychiatrist now?" Willow asked him.

            "No.  But I play one on TV." Spike smiled.

            Willow couldn't hold back the laughter that statement brought forth, but she managed to stop it quickly enough.

            "So, you didn't change your name.  Buffy changed her name when she went to LA."

            "How did you know that?  Did Buffy tell you?"

            "It was in her diary."  Spike replied.

            Willow raised an eyebrow.  "Honesty?  From William the Bloody?  Why?"

            "If I'm honest, I can expect you to be honest, too.  So, why didn't you change your name?"

            "Willow is who I am.  It's all I've got left of before."  Willow replied.

            "Before?"

            "Before Tara.  Before magic.  Before Buffy.  Back when life was relatively simple and my only worry was whether Xander would ever see me as anything more than a friend." Willow said matter-of-factly.

            "You had a crush on Chubs?" Spike's eyes lit up.

            "What, you haven't read my diary, too?"

            "I respect you too much to ignore your privacy."

            "But you don't respect Buffy?"  Willow asked.

            "That's different.  I wanted Buffy and it was the only way I could find out anything about her.  No, I guess I didn't really respect her.  But she never respected me, either."

            "Sure she did."  Willow reassured him.  "She thought you were a great fighter."

            "Yeah.  She respected me as a fighter, as an enemy.  She didn't respect me when she started to see me as a man.  She couldn't, it's against the nature of the slayer."

            "Yeah, you're right.  But, she should now.  I mean, you went and got a soul for her."

            "Why are we talking about me?  We're supposed to be talking about you.  Helping you heal."  Spike quickly changed the subject.

            Willow sighed.  "Okay.  Ask me a question.  I'll answer it."

            "Why didn't you let yourself grieve for her?" Spike jumped right in.

            Willow's eyes went wide.  "You don't beat around the bush, do you?  Okay, honesty, right?  Tara was, she was my everything.  I didn't think I'd ever be able to stop if I started grieving."

            "You'll never reach the end of your grief unless you start, though.  It'll just stay there forever."

            "Yeah, but it's easier to deal with when it's in the background.  Dealing with it face on.  Goddess, last night Spike.  I honestly didn't think I'd ever stop crying.  That's why I didn't start."

            "But now you have started."  Spike said.  "You have to continue if you want it to stop."

            "No, I don't.  Grieving Oz didn't work.  My friends got sick of me.  If I grieve Tara, the few friends I have here will get sick of me."

            "I won't."  Spike looked straight into her eyes.

            "You're my friend now?"  Willow snapped.  Spike looked down.  "Oh Spike, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean that."

            "Yes, you did."

            "No, Spike.  I'm just mad because you're pushing me to deal with things I'd rather not deal with.  And you're right.  I hate you being right.  And, I don't want to continue this conversation in public.  Can we go somewhere else?"

            "What?"

            "If we keep talking about this, I'm going to start crying again.  I hate crying in public.  Can we go back to your place or mine?"

            Spike smiled at her and stood.  "Sure, pet.  We can go to your place.

            Willow rolled her eyes.  Why had she said that?  Oh well, too late now.  She took Spike's arm and led the way back to her apartment.

A/N:  Okay, the next chapter will be the last and I promise to have it up soon.  Please go review this one, now!


	6. Moving On

Title: Soul Searching

Author: Aislin

Season: Takes place after "Grave"

Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike.  There may also be some W/S shippage, I'll just have to wait and see how the story plays out

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored.  They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them.  Please don't sue me, I have no money.

Feedback:  I would love that, thank you.  This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do.  No major flammage, please.  I don't know that I could handle it.

Rating:  PG-13.  It didn't end up as bad as I thought it would.  And it doesn't need an R rating.

Authors Note: Okay, last chapter.  There's a longer note at the end.

            Buffy did a roundhouse and knocked her punching bag across the room.  She cursed and went to retrieve it.  The clasp had been broken; she was going to need a new punching bag.  Another new punching bag.  She had never gone through punching bags so quickly before.

            "What is that, the fifth one in a month?" Dawn asked from the top of the basement stairs.

            "Sixth."  Buffy corrected.  "Sixth one since Willow left."  Her eyes were cold and her voice held no emotion.

            "A month ago."  Dawn said quietly.

            "Twenty-three days.  I haven't seen her for twenty-three days."  Dawn swiftly made her way down the stairs and sat on a stack of mats next to her older sister.  This was the moment she and the others had been pushing Buffy towards.  The girl needed to be able to move on with her life if she was going to be able to continue her duties as slayer.  "Oh God, Dawnie, what if she needs me?  What if she's laying in a ditch somewhere, or starving?  What if some vampire or demon found her."  Buffy's shoulders started shaking with the effort of holding her tears back.

            Dawn wrapped her arms around Buffy's shoulders.  "It's okay to cry Buffy.  You don't have to be strong all the time.  She'll be fine.  And she'll come back when she's ready."

            "If she's ever ready."

            "Don't talk like that.  She'll be back.  She has to be." Dawn said.  She watched Buffy surrender and finally let the tears overflow; tears she had been holding in for twenty-three days.

            When the slayer's tears were spent, she looked lovingly at her sister.  "So, what did you want to ask me?"

            "I never said anything about wanting to ask you anything."

            "You were hovering.  Watching me fight.  I'm your sister, I know you.  You want something."

            "I was wondering, well, I don't want to be the helpless, defenseless one that you have to protect anymore.  I want to be able to fight, or at least protect myself.  Will you train me?"  Dawn glanced at Buffy and rushed on; scared the girl would say 'no'.  "Please?  You wouldn't have to worry about me as much anymore.  And, I could help you, maybe.  And I'm the same age you were when you became slayer, a little older even, so you can't give me that, 'you're too young' stuff."  Dawn paused for a breath and neglected to start again when she noticed the wide smile on Buffy's face.

            "Of course I'll train you, Dawnie.  We can start tonight."

            Dawn smiled as wide as her sister and the two embraced.  After a second Dawn pulled away.  "Eeww," she wrinkled her nose, "you're all sweaty."

            Buffy just laughed, not thinking about Willow for the first time in a long time.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Xander's mouth wouldn't work.  His brain had somehow become disconnected from his vocal chords and words would not form.  Unable to do anything, he simply raised his eyebrows at the man behind the desk.

            The man smiled.  "I realize that you do not have a college degree, Mr. Harris.  I also realize that you are young.  But everyone has a niche in this world and this seems to be yours.  You're a fast learner and regular construction work doesn't seem to be challenging you at all lately.  I feel it's time that you move up the ladder, so to speak.  You've done very good work as a foreman out on the sites.  Let's see how you handle this."

            Xander cleared his throat several times before any words would form on his lips.  "Sir… Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, very grateful.  There are not words to express how grateful I am.  But, are you sure?  I barely graduated high school; I never even went to college.  I haven't been working here all of two years.  How can you think I can handle this?"

            "I think maybe you've found you're calling.  You learn fast.  You do good work.  Aside from that incident with your friend, Betty was it, you haven't displayed a single lapse in judgment."

            "Thank you, sir.  I guess I don't really know what to say."  Xander fumbled for words.  His boss simply smiled expectantly at him.  Xander sighed, "What time tomorrow?"

            "Tomorrow's Saturday.  How does 9:00, Monday morning sound?"

            "Great, sir.  I'll see you then."  Xander stood and left, still in a bit of a shock.  With the economy the way it was, he had been expecting to get laid off, not promoted.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Willow was laughing.  It felt really good.  Ever since the morning she had woken up in Spike's bed, they had gotten together every evening, after her shift at work ended.  They either went to his place, her apartment, or the coffee shop.  Tonight they were at her apartment.

            They hadn't mentioned anything that had happened the past year.  They only talked about 'before', as Willow called it.  She would tell Spike stories about growing up with Xander, Jesse, and Amy.  In turn, Spike would tell Willow stories about his life as a human, sometimes quoting a bit of the poetry that earned him the nickname "William the Bloody" Willow never mentioned anything after winter break of sophomore year and Spike talked only about the time before he was turned.

            Tonight, Willow was laughing at one of Spike's escapades at school.  He was telling her about when the other boys thought it would be funny to place a frog in the teacher's desk, Spike claimed it was the first time anyone had ever pulled that stunt.  The other boys were all afraid of being caught, so Spike, in an effort to prove himself to his classmates had volunteered.  Tears ran down Willow's cheeks as he went into detail about how the frog didn't want to stay in the desk and kept jumping out before Spike could close it.  He finally got the desk closed, with the frog inside, just before the teacher entered.  Unfortunately, he was still standing by her desk when she entered.  He had been caught red-handed and couldn't sit down for four hours after his mother found out.

            "Okay, you're turn.  Did you get into any trouble at school?" Spike asked as he finished his story.

            "Spike, come on.  This is me you're talking to.  Little miss perfect.  Straight A's and the teacher's pet."

            "No one's perfect all the time.  You must have done something that made your teachers mad at least once."

            "Well, one time, I blew off a homework assignment because I didn't feel like doing it."

            "Oh, what a rebel you are."

            "Okay, okay.  There was this one time in seventh grade.  We had a school dance and I had been really hoping that Xander would invite me.  Of course he didn't.  I was always just his best friend."

            "Until you two started necking when I kidnapped you."

            "Actually, that was the last time, hey!  Spike, I don't want to talk about that stuff.  I've told you before."

            "I'm sorry."  Spike said, "please go on with you're story."  As he listened he wondered how to get her to talk about Tara.  The girl needed to talk about it to heal, but she was completely ignoring the entire issue.  She was even going so far as ignoring Buffy abd everything the girl stood for just so she could ignore her girlfriend and their relationship.  He wondered briefly why he even cared about this girl at all.  She had never been anything more than Buffy's best friend to him.  Once or twice he had considered making a snack out of her, but he mostly just ignored her.

            "Well, Jesse felt bad for me, so he agreed to go with me.  Anyway, I decided that I wanted to make Xander jealous, so I convinced Jesse to make out with me in a corner.  Only Xander didn't see us, my homeroom teacher did.  I got detention for PDA."

            "What did your mom say?" Spike asked her, coming back to the story at the end.  He hadn't heard most of it, but he figured he had to at least make it seem like he had been paying attention to her.

            "My mom never cared what I did," Willow responded, a bit forlornly.

            "Never?  Not once in your life? That's awful." Spike couldn't believe that a woman wouldn't care about her children, especially one like Willow.  Then again, he mused, that could be the reason she threw herself into her schoolwork.

            "Actually, it was for the better that she never noticed.  It made life a little easier.  Especially now.  I didn't have to explain to her where I am and why.  She just gave me the money I asked for.  She probably thinks I'm taking extra college courses over the summer or something."

            "I still think that's awful."  Spike said, spotting an opening to get her talking about Tara, or at least Buffy.  "What if you had gotten killed or something?"

            "She would have come to my funeral, been the dutiful mother and cried.  The she would have moved on with her life.  She'd probably use it to publish a new book about what parents should do when their children die prematurely and make a fortune off the sales and book signings."

            "And she never cared about who you were dating?"

            "She thought Xander and I were cute.  Of course, we were only five.  She really didn't like that I was dating a musician, but that was a weird week."

            "When did you date a musician?"

            "Oz played guitar, more or less."

            "Oh yeah.  I remember."  Spike decided to see how far Willow was going to let him push the envelope.  "She doesn't care that you're a lesbian, though?"

            "I'm not sure she knows.  I told her, she even met Tara a few times.  But she tends to forget stuff a lot.  Must be a symptom of living in Sunnydale.  Most people have highly selective memories."

            Spike smiled.  She hadn't stopped him yet.  He would have to choose his words carefully if he wanted her to keep talking.  "You're mom met Tara a few times?  What did she think of her?"

            "Oh she thought she was nice.  Everyone thought she was nice.  Even though she was shy, you know?  She at least seemed happy that I had found someone to love…Spike!  How did you do that?  And why?  I told you that I don't want to talk about it."  Willow yelled at him.

            "You have to.  If you want to heal, you have to deal with it." Spike told her gently.

            Willow snorted.  "You're not exactly forthcoming with your life as a vampire.  Don't you have to deal with that?"

            "I am.  You're helping me.  Just talking to you, it helps me convince myself that I'm not completely evil."

            "Uh-huh.  Sure.  Well, I don't want to deal with it, Spike.  It hurts way too much."

            "You'll have to deal with it sooner or later.  The sooner you do it, the less it will hurt.  Trust me, I'm talking from experience here."

            "Or you could just make me forget completely."  Willow's face suddenly spread into a somewhat sinister smile.

            "I'm not doing a spell on you.  They always backfire."

            "Not a spell.  I was thinking of a more old-fashioned way to keep my mind off of stuff." Willow slowly crawled closed to Spike on the bed.

            "What, exactly, are you thinking of?" Spike asked warily.

            "Fuck me, Spike.  Make me forget the pain."

            At that moment Spike's brain went into overdrive.  Maybe if he shagged this girl he would lose his soul, it worked for Angel after all.  He wanted to be rid of the soul, it was driving him insane.  He could use this girl, what was so wrong with hurting one person?  He'd already hurt her so many times already, what would one more matter?  And no more soul would mean no more guilt.

            But it was his soul, the very thing that was driving him so crazy that made him pause.  If he lost it, he might just go back to killing again.  And he had gone through so much to get it.  Not to mention that Willow was already in so much pain.  He could be there for her, but he couldn't bring himself to use her and discard her.

            She was still looking at him, rather seductively.  But there was pain, too, in her eyes.  "No."

            "What?  But, please, Spike.  You have to."  Willow pleaded with him.

            "No.  It would, it would be wrong." Spike said.

            "You sound like your sire," Willow spat, hoping to hurt him enough that he would take her, hurt her, anything to help her bury her emotions.

            "That's not going to work, pet.  I'll stay here and talk to you.  But I'm not going to shag you.  That's not the way to get rid of your problems."

            "Oh and you're such an expert."  Willow shot at him.

            Spike looked at her for a moment.  "You need your friends.  It's the only way you'll ever stop hurting."  He stood and left her apartment.  Willow sat on her bed for a long time before she was finally too exhausted to stay awake any longer.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            "Blasted phone!  Who could be calling at this hour?" Giles cursed.  He hated getting those middle of the night, or in this case, early morning, phone calls from the council.  "Hello?"  Giles said groggily into the receiver having located the cordless between his couch cushions.

            "Giles?" a small voice asked tentatively.

            "Willow?"  Giles was immediately awake.

            "I'm sorry.  I woke you up.  I forgot about the time zone thing.  I'll call back later."  She quickly apologized.

            "No!  No, Willow.  It's great to hear from you."  Giles said quickly, wondering briefly about the time zone thing.  "Please don't hang up."

            "You worried I won't call back if I do?"  Giles smiled at Willow's correct assumption.  She was always right.  Then he noticed something else in what she said.  She sounded tired, and broken.

            "Are you all right?"  He asked worry laced through the question.

            "No," came the honest answer.  "I thought I was getting better, but I really wasn't.  I think…"  Willow stopped talking.  Giles was worried that she had hung up the phone, but he hadn't heard a click.

            "Willow?  What is it?"  He asked, hoping she would respond.

            The answer was long in coming, but it finally did.  "Help."

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Willow was at the airport by late morning.  Digging into the money she had earned working for Beth had about half paid for a plane ticket to London.  Money from her savings account had paid the rest.  Giles would meet her in London.  They had decided it would be the best place.  She wouldn't have to deal with her friends just yet and she would get all the help she needed with her magic.  She hoped people wouldn't be too worried when they discovered that she had just picked up and left.

~~~~~~~~~~*

            Spike couldn't believe it.  She was gone, no sign of her.  He had rushed over as soon as the sun had set to apologize and she was nowhere to be found.  She couldn't be gone.  She was the only thing keeping him sane, the only thing that kept his mind off all the horrible things he had done.

            He paused to think the whole thing through logically, even though that had never really been his thing to do.  He had told her that she needed her friends, that they would help her more than he could.  Maybe she had listened to him.  But that didn't make sense, she never listened to him.

            Still, he could think of nowhere else that she would go.  He left her apartment quickly.  If she had returned to Sunnydale, he would follow her.  Even being in the same town as Buffy would be better than being all alone with his past.

A/N:  I know it isn't really the greatest ending in the world.  But, it ties it into the season seven fairly decently, in my opinion.  And, I sort of needed to finish this.  I've got a bunch of other ideas floating around in my head.  I realize that this hasn't been a great fic, with grammar and spelling errors galore.  Everything I post from now on will be better, I promise.  Anyway, review and tell me what you think.  Of the plot, anyway.  Thank you, it is much appreciated!


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